Related? Probably.

First, I actually slept last night. 10.5 hours! It's amazing what getting sufficient rest will do for my state of mind. Yesterday I was a total crab, just barely hanging on by the tiniest thread. Today I feel pretty good; I can hold a train of thought and I have a decent amount of energy. Whew. 

But about the sleep issue. I've been thinking about it a lot and Robbie and I have been talking about it off and on for the last couple of weeks. We've been wondering what kind of stress might be working under the radar and contributing to my sleeplessness. 

I told him that the only thing I can think of that's been kind of stressful recently is a growing awareness of getting older. Many (nearly all, actually) of my mom friends are adding second and third babies to their families, and recently I have felt moments of actual grief as I consider the fact that we very likely will never have a sibling for Riley. Our late start meant that I had my first child at age 39, and now, at age 43, I am seeing indications of perimenopause. I've seen clear signs that my body is changing, and we have not had any success in conceiving, so I'm thinking that moving out of the reproductive phase of my life has really been on my mind these days, given all the pregnancies around me. 

What will this mean for me to move into this next phase of my life? I think that's the thing that's been simmering on the back burner. I've been trying to draw it out so I can give it more conscious thought these last several days, and I think once I give it the attention that it deserves and go ahead and make some headway on processing these changes it'll be fine, but it kind of snuck up on me. I'd been looking back, towards Riley's babyhood, and mentally considering a second child, when what was happening was ahead of me. 

Today I'm boxing up all the things I'd held onto for a future baby. It's hard, but I think in the long run it'll help me move forward.